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Thursday, October 6th, 2005
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6:45 pm - God, when will I learn?
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Discussion today in the office about a theme for our Christmas party.
I pitched the idea of a London Underground party - where you come dressed as a tube station. Angel, Elephant and Castle, Baker Street etc. Everyone got into it and started piling in with suggestions. Not to be outdone I came out with a doozy at the top of my voice:
'I'm going to stick my knob in a can of lager! That'll be brilliant!!'
Sadly a senior partner walked right behind me at that very moment. He didn't even get to hear the context, within which the comment was entirely reasonable (i.e. Cockfosters station).
Going to start taking bets on how long I keep this job for
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| Friday, September 16th, 2005
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12:03 am - Coprophagia for breakfast
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After Kate reminded me about it I popped out and bought Passolini's 'Salo - the 120 Days of Sodom' on DVD.
I've just finished watching it, having watched the first half before work this morning. (An interesting experience - Weetabix and coprophagia).
I don't know if I should be worried about this, but I didn't find it shocking or sickening this tme. In fact I found it deeply silly. Maybe I was just missing the ambience.
I did learn three things though:
1) Fascism is a very silly thing
2) Passolini was rather too fond of bottoms. (Well duh!) He has actually made a film entirely about bottoms.
3) Chocolate and marmalade do not look like poo. Which is fortunate as otherwise my breakfast choices would have been amazingly ill-conceived...
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| Friday, July 22nd, 2005
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12:06 am - Today's Wrongness
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Rooting around in the fridge in the tea room when a pregnant colleague comes in:
"Em, this isn't my field of expertise, but are you lactating yet? Cos we're fresh out of milk."
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| Sunday, July 17th, 2005
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6:47 pm
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Actually, reading the below I don't think you can actually have posthumous rape.
Surely the fact that the subject is dead means the act is almost certainly non-consensual, and so it can probably be absorbed under the umbrella term of necrophilia.
Unless...you are acting in accordance with the wishes of the deceased in his last will and testament. Do you think you can put those kind of clauses in your will? Cos if so I'd better go and redraft mine. I want to be a slag after I've gone.
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6:32 pm - Last night I watched a film
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And it was fucking appalling.
Jennifer Aniston was a hormonal, foul-mouthed pregnant woman, without even the saving grace of good hair, who is living with a gay guy. And she is so gorgeous of course, that the gay guy is confused and nearly sleeps with her, but in the end decides he likes cock too much.
And err, thats about it. Except just when you think you can meet the film on its level, Sir Humph.., I mean, Sir Nigel Hawthorne turns up. Christ I feel sorry for the man. I know the poor sod had it hard later in life but to see him reduced to this. Watching it now is like a posthumous rape. Although I don't think there was much dignity left to steal after the way the press treated him after his death. So he'd been a quiet homosexual and left behind a loving partner of many years. So fucking what? Give the man his peace. Ever seen the footage of Liberace's hearse being chased down because the coroner wanted to see if he'd died of AIDS?
Anyway, if I lived with Aniston, I think I'd TURN gay. I'd also leave a lot of pubes in the bath. She doesn't even have to say anything, her face mewls and whines for her. I'm so Team Jolie on this one - so Brad decided to leave the weird-looking, frigid cow and latch onto something that looked like it had a bit of a spark in the sack. Go Brad!
And I hate that Barclaycard ad, where Jen is flashing her card at store assistants who are just drooling over her and pretending its pissing her off but secretly she fucking loves it. If she came into a shop I was working in I'd dance around her pretending to be a leprechaun and then poke her in both eyes. Lets see her open doors then!
Rant over
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| Saturday, July 16th, 2005
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5:07 pm - And another thing...
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Supine Sarino is still an absolute bitch.
Christ I wish I'd taken that shit in her fridge when I had the chance!
current mood:  enraged
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4:08 pm - The Life and Times of Inappropriate Tris
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Things I have said this week that I shouldn't have:
During a business lunch:
1. The Eye of Sauron in the LOTR movies looks like a gaping orange vagina, and who can take a vagina as a credible villain, even if it does hang in the sky and look malevolent?
2. That I will never read the Harry Potter books whilst there is a wealth of freely available, yet poorly written, slash fiction available. The thought of Harry being raped by Hagrid keeps me warm at night.
3. That upon winning the EuroMillions jackpot through a workplace syndicate, a colleague could 'buy himself a better fiance'
'But there are no better women - I love the one I've got the best, that's why I'm going to marry her'
'Dear boy, there is always someone better. Never accept a first offer. With 5m, you could probably marry Emma Bunton - how cool would that be?'
During a quiet after-work drink with a colleague who has sold out to a management consultancy to earn more money in the scant years before her biological clock explodes:
Her : 'It's just odd that I want to settle down with this guy and have babies soon because my clock is ticking etc etc. but I'm also the main breadwinner and have to make all the financial decisions etc etc'
Me : 'Well yes, but that's just because you're going out with an underachiever'
Later…
Her : 'I just want to try and earn a bit more money now while I'm young to make a bit of a nest egg because Dave obviously can't support us both'
Me : 'Well you don't have to be a management consultant to earn lots of money you know. Why don't you keep your job here and go out on the game in the evenings? You could still keep doing it while you were on maternity leave - you can command a premium for that'
This blog is to provide an outlet for such words which are better left unsaid.
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